Falling into Fall
I know it doesn’t look much like it from these photos but it sure feels like it. The seasons are changing. Time is pressing on. Days are getting shorter and these beautiful kids are getting older. Every day. I don’t get too too sad about them leaving the nest. Not yet anyway.
What I do get sad about, and I know I shouldn’t, is that I wont have any more children. It makes me sad because it isn’t my decision but it is one I have to respect. After all, I have three healthy, beautiful children. Children are “expensive”. I’m probably being greedy to want more anyway.
I’ve analized my heart’s desire a hundred times over. Why do I feel this way? I don’t want a child to fill some void of which there are many. I don’t want a child for all of the cute times and cute things that go along with them (trust me, having three in one year I’m well aware of sleep deprivation and diaper changes). My life is in no shape at the moment for more. I try to explain to my husband that my want, my very achy desire for another child ins’t a rational cerebral one. It’s 100% raw emotion. I feel that I am meant to have another one. I feel that there is still a child I’m meant to bring into this world. I wish I din’t have the desire for more. I pray nearly daily for God to take the desire out of my heart. But guess what? Maybe it will always be there. I know it’s there for a reason.